The Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies is hereby pleased to announce the results of its ambitious research project mooted four years back to come up with out-of-the-box ideas to treat the dreaded affliction of depression.
The results are based on an extensive study involving 5,100 adults of all age groups, conducted across as many as thirty countries of the world, spanning all the continents.
The study was spearheaded by Roberta Wickham and Stephanie Byng, First Fellows of the Academy, under the direct supervision of eminent loony doctor Sir Roderick Glossop, a Royal Fellow and also the Dean of Academics of the Academy.
Part of the findings have been vetted and endorsed by such celebrity spouses as Bingo Little.
Some Plummy techniques to beat those blues
Denizens of Plumsville are already aware of the following techniques to drive depressive tendencies away:
- Devouring the soothing works of P G Wodehouse. Curling up in bed with one, with a tissue restorative on the side, guarantees freedom from depressions of all sizes, shapes and hues.
- Savouring the pick-me-ups dished out by Jeeves.
- Gorging on delicious offerings of Anatole, God’s gift to the gastric juices.
- Scrupulously avoiding the following: (a) Diet Charts dished out by Madeline Bassett, (b) Overdose of the juice of an orange.
- Following the Ashe Marson Manual of Fitness, which recommends Larsen Exercises, brisk walks and cold baths.
- Cultivating pals like Bertie Wooster who would go to any length to help one out of distress.
- Learning the art of pinching helmets, umbrellas and silver cow creamers.
- Visiting antique shops to register scorn at the silver cow creamers on display and declaring those to be of Modern Dutch origin.
- Starting new enterprises under the mentorship of Joan Valentine and Sally.
- Undertaking such delicate tasks as restoring scarabs to their real owners.
- Enjoying the antics of such kids as Master Thos and Seabury, after having bought protection for one self.
- Catching up on one’s beauty sleep in accordance with the Augustus Technique of Rest and Recuperation.
- Taking a supercilious view of humanity in general, as per the Bartholomew Code of Conduct.
Shopping Therapy to beat those blues
One of the key findings of the study, applicable to all Homo sapiens, is that of the effectiveness of Shopping Therapy in beating those depressive blues.
Universal Appeal
Shopping Therapy involves active splurging of the funds at one’s command. It has been found to be an effective tool to beat the blues, irrespective of caste, creed, religion or nationality.
Even though the Shopping Bug hits the human civilization with heightened severity around festival days, the virus remains active throughout the year.
The latent desire to browse through and add more items to one’s shopping cart – whether physical or virtual – has a universal appeal.
In mild cases of depression, Window Shopping is found to be equally effective.
In some cases, a Plain Outing Therapy or an Attending Religious or Spiritual Congregation Therapy has also been found to be half as effective.
Enhancing the Effectiveness
Shopping Therapy is likely to be twice as effective when the money being spent happens to belong to persons other than the shopper herself.
The effectiveness of Shopping Therapy is directly proportional to two factors: (a) The non-routine nature of the object being shopped, and (b) The novelty of the place where the act of shopping takes place.
Matrimonial Harmony
Shopping Therapy is highly recommended for depressed home makers who are facing blues owing to the sheer drudgery of routine work within the confines of the four walls of the place euphemistically called ‘Home, Sweet Home.’ When administered at frequent intervals, matrimonial harmony prevails. The dove of peace continues to flap its sonorous wings over the couple’s abode.
The risk of Induced Depression
Shopping Therapy is found to be more effective in the case of those belonging to the tribe of the delicately nurtured. When administered to the so-called sterner sex, its effect is found to be rather limited.
Should the members of the tribe of the sterner sex be exposed to Shopping Therapy, care has to be taken to ensure that they are not accompanied by those from the tribe of the delicately nurtured.
If so, the effects are often counter-productive, leading to higher levels of depression amongst the so-called sterner sex. This kind of induced depression is especially acute when the debit or credit card being swiped belongs to them or even when they are called upon to lug around a cart load of shopping bags.
Handling Induced Depression
Some techniques which are found to be effective in mitigating the effects of induced depression are as follows:
-Permitting them to catch up with a favourite sports show on the smart phone while sipping a cup of strong coffee,
-Granting them a temporary license to study consumer behaviour by gawking at well-dressed and well-proportioned specimen of the shopping public around.
-Buying something to suit the temperament of the party of the other part.
Tolerance of the primary shopper towards disinterested ‘Oh’s and distracted ‘Ah’s emanating from the secondary shopper when a new dress or a new set of jewellery is being tried by the party of the first part helps.
Shopping Therapy plus
Shopping Therapy, when combined with either Eating-Out Therapy, Multiplex-Popcorn Therapy, or Kid-free-time Therapy, or a combination thereof, has been found to be thrice as effective.
Motivating Employees
Organizations which offer lucrative ‘Expense Accounts’ to their key personnel as part of their compensation packages have been found to be having higher motivational levels. Their retention levels are better. Their attrition rates are lower.
The motivation levels are even higher in cases where the privileged employees are not required to furnish proof of purchase to their respective Accounts Departments.
The perils of Shopping Therapy
While administering Shopping Therapy, due care has to be taken to avoid some of its pitfalls.
- An overdose, leading to the family finances being left all of a twitter.
- Habit forming, especially for those who make impulsive decisions.
- Manifestation of kleptomaniac tendencies, such as those exhibited by the likes of Bernadette Clayborne, when out shopping.
Shopping for a detailed report?
The Academy is pleased to offer detailed report of its study on the subject, duly authenticated by its Director General, Rupert Psmith.
Those desirous of shopping for a copy of the same are hereby advised to visit the website www.ragt.com for further directions.
(Note:
The Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies is an ISO-certified international academy of goofy schemes which are designed to resolve ticklish issues afflicting our society. It does so by promoting and propagating non-violent techniques of registering protests and wreaking soft vengeance upon those who profess views which are at odds with those of theirs. The Academy brings together the world’s leading scientists, engineers and technologists to advance and promote excellence in innovative methods designed to secure socially desirable results.)
(Illustration courtesy the world wide web)
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For those who are new to the world of P G Wodehouse, here is a post which offers interesting tips on where to start devouring his sunlit works.
This piece is the second in a series of guides for readers wanting to discover the joys of Jeeves and Wooster, Blandings, and the wider world of Wodehouse ‘hidden gems’. The previous post provided reading suggestions for new Wodehouse readers.
Home of Sir Edward Cazalet and his wife Camilla, Lady Cazalet 
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