ashokbhatia

Dear Comrades,

Quite a few of you perhaps wonder as to how a very tall and lanky guy like me managed to win the affections of someone like Eve, who is of a medium height and radiates a sort of golden sunniness around her.

I believe the following to be some of the factors which enabled this courtship to reach a satisfactory outcome.

Dressing Nattily

Contrary to what cynics believe – that one should focus on the inner qualities of head and heart possessed by the party of the other part – the fact remains that external appearances alone assist in the initial stages of any courtship. A cheerful visage, a valiant gaiety, a set of bright eyes and a dash of self confidence are crucial enabling factors. Add to this a habit of dressing nattily and you get a winning formula which is hard to beat.

Whether one desires success in a professional alliance or a romantic one, first impressions add that critical punch which brings home the gravy, so to say. Discovering one’s honest heart obviously takes time.

Some of you may recall that my first encounter with Eve came about only because she radiated wealth when caught in a sudden spell of rain beneath the awning of Messers Thorpe & Briscoe. Had she not been upholstered sumptuously at the time, I would have surely missed the opportunity of a life time. Even though I am above softer emotions in general, Eve had then stirred a chord within me which was not often stirred.

Being Fleet-footed and Chivalrous

The ability to think on one’s feet helps one to seize opportunities which Life throws one’s way is a crucial success factor. So is an innate sense of chivalry.

To me, ends are more important than means. When Beauty in distress needs an umbrella, it does not matter as to the methods deployed to secure one and offer it with a smooth dignity. All one has to do is to offer it with a grave friendliness and then depart after a courteous bow. Building suspense around one’s persona and one’s motives for an act of this kind simply arouses curiosity in the party of the other part. Curiosity is obviously followed by a vigorous interest.

Acting when Adventure Calls

An opportunity to be close to Eve arose when Lord Emsworth mistook me to be the Canadian poet, Mr Ralston McTodd. It was clear that only by going to Blandings, even if under the guise of McTodd, could I renew my acquaintance with Eve. I am not one of those who would hang back diffidently when an adventurous opportunity comes up. I simply lapped up the opportunity.

Assuming Authority

Having received Eve at the Market Blandings train station, I exercised what you might allude to as a placid assumption of authority. Eve might be a person who possesses a high and haughty spirit, but, I am sure, she found my actions hard to resist. A conscientious worker, she was then so very keen to get down to her work of cataloguing books. Instead, she chose to go along with my suggestion of a leisurely stroll through meadow and shrubbery, velvet lawns and a view of the celebrated Yew Alley. In the process, she was left wondering if she had arrived in Paradise.

Awakening Pity

While rowing the boat on the lake, I faced one of the perils of impersonation. Having been accused by Eve of mistreating Cynthia, a close friend of hers I had never heard of earlier, I had to valiantly fight my way out of an embarrassing situation. The conscientious wooer in me had no other option but to make Cynthia suffer by accusing her of few misdemeanours and also mistreating me as a husband. My immediate reward was the faint look of angelic pity in Eve’s eyes.

Striving for Spiritual Evolution

A good deal of discouragement alone can dampen my spirits somewhat. When Eve said that she is not coming in to hear me read from McTodd’s book – Songs of Squalor – I merely took the disappointment in my stride. I am of the opinion that a dash of equanimity is invariably helpful. Such setbacks in life propel one towards enlightened spirituality.

The ‘Aha!’ Moment

At some stage in the courtship, scales fall from one’s eyes. One realizes in a flash that all those delightful walks, drifting on the lake, and those cheery conversations had gone on to convince one that of all possible girls she was the only possible one. One has to be watching oneself diligently. An inner perspective of this kind, coupled with perseverance, facilitates the conscious utilization of such moments in an effective manner. This enables one to push one’s case with aplomb, often earning the admiration of Cupid. There are times when one just needs to act and not to surrender to the dark forces of bewildered inaction.

Howsoever annoyed the party of the other part may be, one can simply turn the tables by speaking from the heart and even going on to propose. Obviously, one is gracious enough to offer time for her to think it over. If she already has a bevy of waiting fiancées lurking in the corner, one merely asks to be added to the list.

Gifts and Flowers

When even such modest gifts as flower-pots containing a germanium get heartily accepted by the adored from the hands of the adorer, the latter may safely conclude that love blossoms in the heart of the former.

Marketing Oneself

It never hurts to ensure that one’s sterling qualities are adequately communicated to the object of one’s adorations. Such mundane skills as being able to do card-tricks and performing passable imitations of cats calling their young ones deserve to be conveyed clearly. Same would apply to one being able to recite “Gunga-Din”.

A dash of positive visualization of matrimonial bliss invariably helps. Imagine the long winter evenings – when the adored one is sitting before the fire and is selecting a card from the pack which the adorer offers – and one would realize the value of the supreme confidence which one needs to possess so as to be able to make progress in matters of courtship.

Common Interests

It helps when the adored and the adorer share similar tastes. An adventurous disposition. A tendency to stand up for their pals. A habit of recovering quickly from surprises in life. A dash of inner resilience which ensures that one does not collapse in moments of crisis. Providing moral support to the party of the other part. A common taste for stealing other people’s jewellery.

All these signal the fact that the two are indeed twin-souls.

A Dash of Eccentricity

One could not agree more with Cynthia when she advised Eve to marry someone who is eccentric. Luckily, in Eve’s view, I fitted the bill rather well.

Oh, Eve!

I am sure you would not mind my taking further liberty with your precious time by trying to sum up the special qualities possessed by Eve.

Besides compassion for her friends, she was always strong and adventurous. She had enjoyed the perpetual excitement of trying to keep the body and soul together.

She has always been a person of dash and vigour. Gazing into her soul, one is apt to find such finer sentiments there as honesty, sympathy and intelligence.

In addition to being beautiful, she drew the best out of my intellect and soul. To put it simply, she allowed me to talk oftener and longer than any other member of the tribe of the delicately nurtured known to me.

Your experiences in furthering your own courtship might be quite different. However, I do believe that everything in this world is in its place for some useful end. In matters of the heart, be chivalrous, persistent and ready witted. Life around the object of one’s affections can never be allowed to be dull. I do hope you find my endeavours in that direction of some assistance.

(Note: A version of this article also appears in the March 2023 issue of Wooster Sauce, the quarterly journal of the P. G. Wodehouse Society, UK)