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Spreading Wodehousitis: Some Plummy Awards

Posted in What ho!, tagged , on January 1, 2018| 3 Comments »

The Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies hereby invites nominations for its annual awards meant to spread the affliction of Wodehousitis all over our planet.

The Aubrey Upjohn Award

For teachers who have:

  • Taken effective steps during the year to introduce their wards to the pleasures of reading the works dished out by P G Wodehouse.
  • Developed syllabi which make learning at school fun, inducing students to read humorous books, especially those from the canon of the Master. The continuous giggling, guffawing and laughing out loud moments at school must comprise at least 25% of the total number of hours spent by them within the walls of the institution they happen to be a part of.

The A B Filmer Award

Meant for politicians who have taken adequate measures to persuade the governments of their country to:

  • Introduce the works of P G Wodehouse in the college level curriculum for all streams of education.
  • Have managed to get ‘What ho!’ declared a national greeting.
  • Have taken steps through proper channels to popularize the use of such phrases as ‘Oh, rather!’, ‘Pip pip’, ‘Capital, capital’, and the like.

The Bertie Wooster Award

  • Bachelors or spinsters who have lobbied hard and achieved demonstrably good results to get their pals to draw soul mates who have Wodehousean leanings, thereby perpetuating the genes of Wodehousitis.
  • Nephews and nieces who have done the bidding of their aunts and undertaken such delicate missions as sneering at cow creamers, stealing cats and pinching such objects as policemen’s helmets and umbrellas.

The Anatole Award

Those who have earned an enviable reputation about their culinary skills and are considered God’s gift to the gastric juices in their immediate social circles.

The Miss Mapleton Award

For lion tamers who happen to be part of the management of any educational institution for having:

  • Organized visits by Wodehouse fans to interact with their students.
  • Hosted debates and essay writing competitions relating to such eminent characters as Lord Emsworth, Reginald Jeeves, Rupert Psmith, Mr Mulliner and Sir Roderick Glossop.
  • Organized field visits by their wards to read out Plum’s short stories and books to senior citizens in the area.

The Eve Halliday Award

Librarians who have pro-actively worked through the year to:

  • Persuade their managements to stock books of P G Wodehouse in their libraries.
  • Held special book reading sessions and related promotional events, motivating students to read more of the Master’s works.
  • Encouraged students for book swaps involving Master’s works.

The Oofy Prosser Award

For those who have either sponsored, or gifted some of the books in their Plummy collection to any of the following:

  • Local students who have done well, whether in academics or in their extracurricular activities.
  • Patients, specifically those in the maternity wards in nearby hospitals.
  • Hospices and senior citizen homes in their area.
  • Public libraries.

The Rupert Baxter Award

Awarded to those who:

  • Keep a track of local literary scene and organize get-togethers, howsoever modest.
  • Whenever visiting a different country/city, they take steps to meet up Plum fans there.

The Rupert Psmith Award

Meant for those who:

  • Promote humour at their place of work.
  • Persuade hassled superiors and colleagues to relax at the end of the day with Plummy audio books, possibly when commuting between their homes and offices.

The Bingo Little Award

For those who:

  • Promote matrimonial harmony at all costs and under all circumstances.
  • Read a Wodehouse book when the wife/kid is around; when caught falling off their sofa/bed and when asked as to what is up, they mysteriously reply ‘nothing whatever’ and keep the book back on the shelf.
  • When chuckling or guffawing, they encourage family members to cover them on a video which, when played to unsuspecting friends and relatives, arouses curiosity and jealousy, thereby promoting the works of the Master.

The Igor Llewelyn Award

For movie mughals who have executed such projects as:

  • Creation of audio visuals directed at the weary eyed youth of today, promoting Plummy narratives in a shorter and crisper manner.
  • Likewise, animation short promos for the same purpose.
  • Promote a string of movies based on the narratives of P G Wodehouse, capturing the relevance of wisdom contained in his works for contemporary issues faced by humanity.
  • Launch a news channel which would broadcast only cheerful news, by way of an antidote to the stressed lives many of us lead.

The Gussie Fink Nottle Award

For those who have had the gumption to address students in nearby schools, colleges and university departments, introducing them to Wodehousean bliss, whether at prize distribution ceremonies or otherwise as guest lecturers.

The Rosie M Banks Award

For bloggers, writers and authors of all hues, who have published blogs, articles, books or book reviews concerning anything Plummy.

The Ukridge Award

For social entrepreneurs who have set up innovative start-ups with the sole purpose of spreading joy and cheer all around.

The Reginald Jeeves Award

For brainy coves who come up with juicier suggestions to ensure a sustained spread of the virus of Wodehousitis.

General:

  1. Nomination forms can be downloaded from the official website of the Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies.
  2. Each nomination must be proposed and supported by at least 10 members of any of the following: (a) Members of any recognized society of Plum’s fans, and (b) Members of any of the prominent groups of Master’s fans on such social media platforms as Facebook.
  3. The nominations received shall be scrutinized by an eminent panel of seven members comprising such experts as Lord Emsworth, Sir Watkyn Bassett, Aunt Dahlia, Aunt Agatha, Roberta Wickham, Stiffy Byng and Honoria Glossop.
  4. The decision of the jury shall be final and binding.

(Note: Yours truly is indeed obliged to have received suggestions made in this blog post from many of the fans of P G Wodehouse. These include, in an alphabetical order:

Adithya Ramachandran

Ali Nobari

Anitha Perinchery

Deepa Ramanii

Guy Moffitt

Honoria Glossop

Imad Ali

Jim Wickham

John-Paul Warner

Laura Johnson

Louis Oppermannn

Michele Mantinen

Mike Chaloner

Milind Ranade

Morten Arnesen

Murray Harper

Paul Robinson

Robert S Childers

Satish Pande

Sriram Paravastu

Stefan Nilsson

Sukanya Lakshmi Narayan

Thomas Langston Reeves Smith

Tom Hutcheson

Vivek Murarka)

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/07/30/the-epidemic-of-wodehousitis

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/10/06/a-plummy-appeal-to-the-honble-human-resource-development-minister-of-india

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/12/02/the-need-to-look-for-plummy-soul-mates)

 

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The need to look for Plummy soul mates

Posted in What ho!, tagged , , on December 2, 2017| 5 Comments »

The more the thoughts dwell on the fate of Wodehousitis in the decades to come, the more the soul recoils in horror. One peers into the future, and shudders at what one sees there.

Most youth of today are blissfully ignorant of the sunlit valleys of Plumsville, where rivulets of subtle humour offer a gentle reprieve from the stress of an incessant exposure to social media. Where roads are lined on both the sides with trees which offer low hanging fruits of eternal wisdom. Where characters offer solutions to such delicate challenges in life as handling loopy soul mates, diet-obsessed girl friends and spouses, obdurate aunts, thrifty uncles, moody pigs, overbearing dogs and sleepy cats.

Unless prompt steps are taken through proper channels now, the epidemic of Wodehousitis may soon become a part of folklore, confined to the dustbins of history.

A singular characteristic of this affliction is that it passes from one generation to the next. It follows that if steps are taken to facilitate its inheritance, better results may ensue. Stocking all editions of all the works of P G Wodehouse on our book shelves could help. Ensuring that the technical gizmos lying around in our humble abodes carry some of the juiciest stories in the canon could help. Occasionally replaying some episodes of the movies featuring Bertie Wooster and Jeeves could make the younger ones in the family sit up and take notice. Gifting appropriate books to those in the family way could help.

At a recent meeting of the Master’s fans in New Delhi, India, the germ of another idea popped up – that of identifying potential soul mates with Plummy leanings for the young ones who are yet-to-be-affianced. It was felt that even if one of the parents carries the Wodehousean gene in his/her chromosome, the coming generations would be likely to lead happier and fuller lives. If the parent belonging to the tribe of the delicately nurtured caries it, the drive to make Wodehousitis sustainable might yield better results.

One way of initiating a search of this kind could be to come up with matrimonial advertisements which actively seek life partners suffering from the delectable affliction of Wodehousitis.

Here is a draft which could be refined and sent across to various sites which offer matrimonial services.

“A well-bred professional, a male rabbit of about 27 winters, well endowed in physical and materialistic terms, is on the lookout for a soul mate who is a gentle and mild dormouse with whom he could settle down peacefully and nibble lettuce.

The aspiring soul mate would be expected to be smart, intelligent and well read. Specifically, the party of the first part strongly believes that those familiar with the works of P G Wodehouse would make an ideal party of the other part.

What the party of the first part intends to bring to the proposed union is a modern notion of chivalry. Opening car doors and holding chairs is passe. Instead, the emphasis would be on sharing household responsibilities and in providing soulful companionship. All possible endeavours shall be made to ensure that the party of the other part never misses her afternoon cup of tea. 

Ability of the party of the other part to think of goofy schemes to ward off those who prey on the millions of the party of the first part would be preferred. So would be those who have strong entrepreneurial leanings, much along the lines of Joan Valentine and Sally.

Spending some quality time together while gazing moodily at the stars would be encouraged. But espousing theories about God’s daisy chains and fairies would be discouraged.

Skills which keep invading cousins, aunts and ex-fiancees away from the home and hearth would be greatly admired. So would be the ability of retaining cooks and maid servants in the face of stealthy moves by scheming aunts who refuse to be gentlemen.

Costs of adequate medical insurance shall always be a part of the household budget. This would cover any damage to limbs caused by the cup of mirth brimming over while reading together a work of the Master and one falling off from a sofa and rolling over on the floor, and any such eventualities.  

The party of the better part shall be encouraged to pursue her own professional career. It is expected that the pocket-money meant for the party of the worse part would get dished out without any hesitation or remorse. Nor would its usage be ever questioned or doubted, thereby supporting the sporting spirits of the party of the worse part.

It may kindly be noted that the party of the first part shudders at the prospect of swimming a mile and then playing five sets of tennis post lunch on weekends. Also, an improvement in one’s intellect is not on the agenda of the proposed union. It is hoped that the party of the better part would keep such sensibilities in mind and refrain from using softer tactics to get the party of the worse part to abide by her wishes.

Both parties would enjoy equal rights in terms of occasionally spending time with their own circle of friends at clubs and in other social circles. Valets and house maids who are members of clubs which insist on keeping records of juicy goings on in the lives of either of the parties shall not be hired.

Members of the tribe of the delicately nurtured who happen to be pure padded cell from the foundations up are discouraged to respond to this missive.

It is hoped that when either of the parties faces one of Life’s harsh slings and arrows and is twiddling her/his thumbs trying to cope with a challenge, the other one would rally around and act like a Jeeves, marshalling not only his/her keen intelligence but also a deep understanding of the psychology of the individual.

The intended purpose of the proposed union is not only to enjoy life long companionship, especially at an advanced age when the lining of the stomach poses unique challenges to the parties concerned. It is also about little feet pattering about the home – feet which support a head which is steeped in Plummy thoughts and a heart within which sloshes an abundant supply of the milk of human kindness.

The union would be expected to produce offspring who will inherit the combined Plumminess of both the parents. Offspring in the vicinity of whom human life would not be under any threat. Bright kids who might be goofy but shall not seriously endanger the peace of mind of the nurses, the governesses, the private-school masters and the public-school masters who will eventually take on the responsibility of looking after a blend of the parties of the better and the worse part.

This alone will ensure that flowers shall always be in bloom, birds shall always chirp merrily, peace shall prevail, the sun shall shine merrily and God shall continue to be in heaven.”

What do you think?

(Related Post: https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/11/23/a-plummy-encounter-in-new-delhi-india)

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A Plummy encounter in New Delhi, India

Posted in What ho!, tagged , , on November 23, 2017| 14 Comments »

Travel is highly educational, said Jeeves. That is how it turned out to be when plans to visit New Delhi, some 2,200 kilometres away from where yours truly normally pollutes the environs, fructified.

An innocuous post on the Fans of P G Wodehouse page on Facebook led to some fans of the Master in the National Capital Region (NCR) deciding to meet up on 11.11.2017.

Eggs, Beans and Scones

The infamous Delhi smog singularly failed to dampen the spirits and many ardent fans of Plum in NCR landed up at the gig so very graciously hosted by a young man in spats, a management professional who happens to be based in Canada but was visiting his family in India.

Lord Emsworth, the grandfather of the young man, presided over the boisterous proceedings. An eminent bureaucrat in his hey days, he happens to be a devoted Plum fan. He turned out to be quite far from being woolly headed, and ensured that all the guests who had descended on his castle felt absolutely comfortable and at home.

Lady Mildred Mant, the daughter of Lord Emsworth, proved to be a genial host. Her attention to detail and the standard of hospitality on display might have prompted Jeeves to undergo a refresher course under her in the art and science of entertaining guests.

The theme of the gig was ‘Eggs, Beans and Scones’, since Lord Emsworth and the family found that the local bakeries were clueless as to what Crumpets stood for.

A leaner version of Beach, the butler, kept shimmering in and out, providing nourishment to all and sundry.

The Proceedings

Stiffy Byng showed up, somewhat annoyed at not being able to detect any chance of launching one of her goofy schemes. In the absence of any policemen in the vicinity, and missing the Harold Pinker of her life, she decided to go in for a safer option – that of bringing a quiet and dignified charm to the gig.

Bertie Wooster popped up, with Cousin Wilmot in tow. He brought in a black forest cake, with a portrait of the Master adorning its top. The portrait ensured a restricted calorie intake for all present. Only a small strip at the bottom of the cake, comprising Plum’s signatures, was eventually consumed. The rest was gobbled up by potential fans in families elsewhere who made polite enquiries regarding the identity of the person before shoving in large helpings down the hatch.

Aunt Dahlia marched in and proved to be a charming companion. Having been a Governor of several educational outfits in the league of Market Snodsbury Grammar School, she displayed exemplary restraint and did not address any one of those present as blots on the landscape or as worms.

The huge parcel which she brought in was presumed by those present to be having copies of the latest editions of Milady’s Boudoir. Instead, it was found to contain several Bertie-Jeeves mugs, which caused much merriment. All were eagerly lapped up.

Joan Valentine, the coordinator of the group, trooped in precisely at 11.11 AM, so the meeting could get off to a flying start. A rendition of The Yeoman’s Wedding Song was promptly located and played out, declaring the proceedings open.

Gladys Biggs turned up, accompanied by an impostor who turned out to be Clarence Mulliner. Technology having advanced, he did not need to squeeze bulbs and shoot photographs. While others got busy with much back-slapping and what-ho-ing, he quietly went about creating a visual record of the boisterous proceedings.

Gladys unveiled a delectable collection of some exquisite hand-painted sketches themed around the works and characters of Plum. It transpired that the same had been done by her niece, Gwladys Pendlebury, who had burnt the midnight oil to dish out the entire collection. She had done so at Hyderabad at a very short notice, and had couriered the entire set to Delhi, where her aunt and family had lost no time in getting these framed. Understandably, there was much excitement generated. All those present lost no time to grab one each.

Mr Mulliner too dropped in and regaled all those present with some stories of Bollywood producers and directors. A frequent traveller between Delhi and Mumbai, he proved to be a repository of Wodehousean wisdom.

Ashe Marson materialized, wearing a Wodehousean golf cap, looking bronzed and fit. His demeanour and bearing demonstrated the power of Larsen exercises, coupled with brisk walks, cold baths and a strict diet regimen. An established author, he often gave the impression as if his grey cells were busy working out the next adventure of the famous detective Gridley Quayle.

(L to R: Young man, Lady Mildred Mant, Aunt Dahlia, Mr Mulliner, Lord Emsworth, a balding Bertie Wooster, Joan Valentine, Gladys Biggs, Stiffy Byng, Ashe Marson, Cousin Wilmot; Clarence Mulliner is lurking behind the camera)

Florence Craye walked in, essentially to check as to what the excitement was all about and how the meeting was proceeding. Luckily, she did not appear to have any intentions of raising the intellectual level of those present.

Honoria Glossop joined the NCR Plummies over Skype briefly from UK, adding to the sparkle. Despite these being early hours in the Queen’s country, that too on a Saturday, she took the initiative of chatting with all those present.

Spawning Wodehousitis

Other than Plum’s works and characters, Spinoza and other literary figures also came up for discussion. Some openly shuddered at the challenge of exposing the coming generations to the unique pleasures of Plumsville.

It was felt that many amongst us have inherited the germs of Wodehousitis from our previous generations. The group wondered if prompt efforts can be made through proper channels to identify suitable Plummy soul-mates for those who are not averse to taking a saunter down the aisle in the near future. Such an initiative would ensure a steady spread of Wodehousitis in the times to come.

At such meets, continents and countries disappear. So do races, castes, creeds, gender, professions and income inequalities. Only the affliction known as Wodehousitis retains its relevance.

Those who are turning green with envy need not fret. They would do well to brace up for the next gig, planned at the same venue, on Saturday, February 17, 2018.

(Note: The allusion to characters of P G Wodehouse here is purely arbitrary and subjective and is not intended to offend any of those who spared the time to join in and make this encounter a memory to cherish for a long time. Permission to use photographs is gratefully acknowledged.)

(Related Posts:

A Blandings Meet of Fans in New Delhi, India

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/05/15/another-drones-club-meeting-at-asker-in-norway

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2017/05/03/a-drones-club-meeting-in-amsterdam)

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An invitation from the International League of Happiness

Posted in What ho!, tagged , , , , , on October 12, 2017| 12 Comments »

Residents of Plumsville are hereby invited to the maiden plenary meeting of the newly launched International League of Happiness (ILH).

The meeting shall be held at the lawns of Blandings Castle on October 15, 2017, starting at 1700 hours GMT.

 

Inaugural Address

“Saving the world from the nuclear peril it faces”

Mr Rupert Psmith, Secretary General

Keynote Address

“Can Dictatorship be used as a means to end terror?”

Mr Roderick Spode, Deputy Secretary – Terror and Covert Intelligence

Special Address

“Unresolved conflicts and violation of humanitarian laws: Some goofy techniques never used before”

Ms Roberta Wickham, Honorary Secretary – Human Conflicts, Founder Director – Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies

Other talks

“Countering Climate Change by star gazing”

Ms Madeline Bassett, Deputy Secretary – Environment

“Addressing the challenge of growing inequality by boosting the confidence of the underprivileged”

Ms Joan Valentine, Deputy Secretary – Income Disparities

“Hacking the hackers: A war on cyber warfare”

Mr Rupert Baxter, Deputy Secretary – Cyber Crimes

“Eradicating unemployment, promoting start-ups”

Ms Sally Nicholas, Secretary – Entrepreneurship

“Using human intelligence to prevent misuse of Artificial Intelligence”

Mr Reginald Jeeves, Deputy Secretary General, ILH.

Release of the Blandings Declaration of Happiness

Lord Emsworth, Chief Patron, ILH

Inauguration of Exhibition of products developed by the Royal Academy of Goofy Technologies (RAGT)

Sir Roderick Glossop, Director General, RAGT

  1. Laser-guided Needles usable for puncturing hot water bottles of politicians who misbehave in international affairs. These guarantee deadly precision, with minimal risk of exposure to the fleshy parts of the target person at the receiving end.
  2. Infra-red Incinerators which allow one to burn offending scripts and memoirs at the push of a button. No smoke is emitted, thereby allowing complete secrecy even within confined spaces.
  3. Magnetic Props which are highly effective in pinching policemen helmets. Field tests have demonstrated a high rate of success even for novice clergymen who might be out to pinch such objects merely to please their current heart-throbs.
  4. Machines which automatically produce 3-D versions of butter slides. These are found very useful by step-sons who have been refused protection money by their would-be step-fathers.
  5. Adhesives of an advanced nature, which allow party of the one part to affix and remove with much ease fungus of any colour from the visage of the party of the other part.
  6. Software which develops and delivers juicy speeches of all kinds to large gatherings of giggling and staring school girls and boys, thereby simplifying life for all those who are left all of a twitter when invited to address the wards under the charge of such illustrious lion-tamers as Rev. Aubrey Upjohn and Miss Tomlinson.
  7. Advanced e-learning kits which enable enthusiasts to learn to play such musical instruments as banjeoles. By using blue-tooth technology, such kits enable one to practice without disturbing one’s neighbours.
  8. Artificial Intelligence enabled gentlemen of gentlemen, duly configured with a Jeeves Service Package. These are extremely popular as wedding gifts which the brides-to-be accept with much glee, enabling them to show the door to the real Jeeves in their would-be husbands’ lives in the post-nuptial phase.
  9. Silver Detectors which can be used by enterprising aunts to locate and steal cow creamers and such other collectibles from castles of rivals. Smart nephews who do not wish to lose the privilege of feasting on Anatole’s delectable spreads use such contraptions to keep their aunts in good humour.
  10. Calorie Counters specifically designed to monitor the feeding pattern of the Empress of Blandings. These enable her to keep winning the top slot at international level sow competitions.
  11. Advanced Algorithms capable of accurately forecasting the results of all kinds of speculative sports. Bingo Littles of the world are thus enabled to keep the dove of matrimonial bliss flapping above their humble abodes at minimal costs.
  12. Aniseed Perfumes specifically developed for those who specialize in stealing detective dogs from the enemy camp in a peaceful and non-violent manner.
  13. Electronic Stunners which can be used for inducing temporary disability amongst cops who might be chasing well-meaning persons out to serve the delicately nurtured members of the society.
  14. Digestive Capsules designed to eliminate any problems of the lining of the stomach amongst those who are routinely taken in by the pleasures of the table and do not believe in the efficacy of Larsen Exercises popularized by Ashe Marson.
  15. Anti-aunt Apps designed to smartly block communications from obnoxious aunts when they refuse to be gentlemen.
  16. Spider Footwear which make it easy to slide down pipes to escape the fury of aunts who insist on having a word with their nephews who are in no mood to face the firing squad.
  17. Body Scanners which can enable a member of the delicately nurtured tribe to ascertain the Chivalry Quotient of a matrimonial aspirant.
  18. Mental Imagers which can check the Pumpkin Quotient of a person.
  19. Cat Detectors which bleep when a bunch of feline characters are in the vicinity.
  20. Powder of Milk of Human Kindness, duly certified by FAO.

 

Vote of thanks

Mr Gussie Fink Nottle – Deputy Secretary – Love, flora and fauna

High Tea by Anatole

 

 

Note:

The International League of Happiness is a not-for-profit organization where:

-Destructive propaganda of any kind is sneered at

-Global interests are accorded higher priority than narrow national/regional interests

-Healthy discussion is encouraged but indifference to, or defiance of, its collective resolutions is discouraged

(Limited seats. Please register without delay at http://www.ilh.com.)

(Related Post:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/07/30/the-epidemic-of-wodehousitis)

 

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A Plummy appeal to the Hon’ble Human Resource Development Minister of India

Posted in What ho!, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2017| 5 Comments »

Respected Sir,

As a lay citizen of India, allow me to say that you are spearheading a great drive to reform the education system of the country. There may be no big ticket announcements, but one can see some incremental steps which would help our youth to realize their full potential in the years to come.

I write this with all humility at my command, merely to suggest one such incremental reform, which, I am reasonably certain, can help our youth to develop their soft skills faster and better.

I write this to suggest that a special drive be launched to expose Indian students to the works of the eminent humourist, P G Wodehouse. By discovering, delving into and devouring these, our future citizens shall turn out to be cheerful, joyous and happy. India would soon become a country which would be not only chasing her Gross Domestic Product numbers, but also shoring up her Gross National Happiness index.

A spurt to ingenuity and innovation

At the school level, his stories – depicting hostel life, cricket rivalries and the kind of goofiness which kids normally display – would entertain and motivate our children no end. On the one hand, headmasters and headmistresses would quickly learn how to be shrewd lion-tamers. On the other, children would get into the right spirit of innovation and ingenuity, thereby brightening the prospects of creating many a Silicon Valley in India in the decades to follow.

Children who have already shifted to ball point pens, iPads and other advanced gadgets would no longer be able to put sherbet in ink pots. But they would still learn how to sneak back into their dormitories, ably assisted by their resourceful seniors. They would understand the importance of giggling and staring at guest lecturers, thereby enabling the latter to improve upon their oratorical skills and overcoming their stage fright.

Seeking protection money would come easily to them. When they grow up and take up responsible positions in administration, such skills would make them hotter at their jobs. Planning for such innovative schemes as creating butter slides for defaulting step-fathers-to-be would help them to sharpen their intuitive faculties. Their decision making abilities would improve. They would end up being better managers. Their employability quotient would register a quantum jump.

Many back benchers in our schools would end up being proficient in such vocations as chimney cleaning et al. The skill of using paraffin to douse flames of any kind would help them to gauge and neutralize terror threats of many kinds. When they grow up, our law enforcing agencies would find them ready for many a delicate task.

When besotted with Bollywood divas, they would rise to their higher selves and learn how to help those in distress. Better discipline and good conduct, whether in schools or at home, would result. Tantrums thrown at the change of a Wi-Fi password at home, or at the announcement of a surprise test in mathematics at school, would be a thing of the past. Hapless parents and teachers would breathe easy.

A boost to chivalry and matrimonial bliss

At the college level, our youth would learn invaluable lessons in chivalry, thereby making our country much safer for the delicately nurtured amongst us. Following in the footsteps of Bertie Wooster, they would go to any length to stand by a pal in distress. Eventually, this would help them to imbibe a feeling of brotherhood and secularism.

Such exquisite hobbies as rearing newts would reignite their respect for environment. They shall imbibe the finer characteristics of canine and feline creatures. They would learn to treat members of all species with due respect. Those who decide to pursue the career of a dietitian may seriously consider specializing in developing healthier diets for the Empress and her ilk.

Standing up to aunts who are not gentlemen would come easily to them. Rebutting the unpleasant endeavours of such bullies as Roderick Spode by ferreting out their Eulalie-kind secrets would help them in their lives. They shall develop a deeply spiritual outlook towards the harsh slings and arrow of fate.

Some of them would surely aspire to be like Jeeves, providing satisfaction to all and sundry with their keen intelligence. They would learn to use the psychology of the individual as a potent tool to achieve their goals in life. Overall, their Emotional Quotient ratings would jump manifold.

The art of sliding down pipes to avoid encounters of an unpleasant kind would be a great value-add to their skill sets. Refusing to be job seekers, they would use their romantic skills to assume key positions in premium dog biscuit manufacturing conglomerates, generating a multitude of employment opportunities. Motivated by the adventures of Sally, many others would create successful start-ups.

When they start experiencing the bliss of married life, Bingo Little would become a role model. Sacrificing a highly proficient cook merely to keep peace at home would make them practice the invaluable art of detachment, as espoused in the Bhagavad Gita. Ensuring that the spouse gets the daily ration of her afternoon tea would sustain matrimonial harmony. The art of bringing up kids and touching others for ten quids would get learnt the easy way. Divorce rates shall plummet. Happier and contented kids would eventually evolve into happier citizens of India.

From Ashe Marson, they would learn to do regular Larsen exercises at an early age. Even if they choose to write detective stories when they grow up, they would land lucrative assignments involving restoration of unmindfully pinched scarabs to their rightful owners. By hobnobbing with those who are less fortunate than them in their station in life, they would develop empathy and compassion, thereby becoming more humane in their approach to life and its myriad situations.

Thanks to Rupert Psmith, the art of managing and controlling bosses would come easy to them. They would make effective managers, and shall be in great demand in the employment market.

Making education enjoyable

Sir, you are undoubtedly aware that our students happen to be a worried and depressed lot these days. At a tender age, they are expected to lug around heavy bags slung on their slender shoulders. When at the secondary stage, the poor souls turn and twist in their beds, worrying about future career choices. Much before they acquire a degree of sorts, they start chewing their nails and twiddling their thumbs trying to figure out ways to support their families by making a decent living.

A dash of humour is what they desperately need. Loads of wisdom and practical advice is what they want. Values and a role model is what they seek. A sense of inner joy, peace and happiness is what they inwardly crave for.

All this, and much more, can be found in the Wodehouse canon. By introducing his works for study at all levels of education, India shall be setting a fine example for the rest of the world.

By ensuring ready availability of his works in libraries, book clubs and reading rooms across the entire country, we shall be enabling our youth to rediscover the value of subtle humour in their lives. Our Teacher Training Institutes can be tasked to expose those in the so-called noble profession to the works of P G Wodehouse. Our multilingual scholars can be persuaded to translate his works into other prominent languages used in India. Local fans of the author may be willing to spare some time to read his books to students at all levels.

By learning to appreciate the sunnier side of their lives, students would overcome their depression and be ready to face the future challenges with a chin-up attitude. Many of them would derive a vicarious pleasure in reading about the decadent British aristocracy, thereby forgetting their own deprivations in life.

A unique initiative with juicy spin offs

It is time that we, as a country, adopt what is good for our youth, rather than only blaming Lord Macaulay, who belongs to a distant past.

If you were to initiate this single change, your colleagues in many other ministries of the Government of India shall feel obliged as well as bucked up. The Home Minister would applaud you. The Health and Family Welfare Minister would praise you. The Skill Development and Entrepreneurship Minister would be in awe of you. The Social Justice and Empowerment Minister would look up to you. The Defence Minister would admire you. The Women and Child Development Minister would envy you. The possibilities and the spin offs are mind boggling.

Sir, this unique initiative is all yours to take. I, on behalf of Wodehouse fans the world over, hope you will not disappoint us.

With kind regards and a hearty pip pip!

An Indian suffering from acute Wodehousitis.

(Caricatures courtesy Kevin Cornell)

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/07/30/the-epidemic-of-wodehousitis

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2018/01/01/spreading-wodehousitis-some-plummy-awards)

 

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A Drones Club meeting at Vollen in Norway

Posted in What ho!, tagged , , , , , , on October 20, 2016| 4 Comments »

Some residents of Plumsville might be interested in this news release from the Nordic branch of PBC, the Plum Broadcasting Corporation.

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It is a well documented fact that the epidemic of Wodehousitis peaks at two times in a year. One, around the 15th of October, the day on which P G Wodehouse was born. Two, around the 14th of February, the day he decided to start regaling his Guardian Angels instead.

This is not to say that the epidemic is dormant during the rest of the year. It merely subsides a wee bit, popping up here and there, irrespective of caste, creed, religion, sex or ethnicity.

The medical fraternity continues to be clueless as to how to contain the dreaded epidemic. Researchers of all hues continue to be baffled at the unique kind of drug resistance displayed by those who suffer from Wodehousitis – they exhibit no desire to be rid of the affliction.

It is learnt from reliable sources that residents of Plumsville, a euphimistic term deployed to identify those suffering from acute Wodehousitis, could go to any lengths to celebrate their shared suffering from the dreaded affliction. To them, cultural, linguistic and continental barriers do not count. Man-made boundaries do not matter.

Take the case of one Morten Anersen from Norway and one Ashok Bhatia from India. On the 15th of October, 2016, the two decided to put their nose bags together and meet up at the Little England Tea Rooms (LETR) at Vollen in Norway.

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It is understood that wide-ranging talks were held between the two on the occasion. The atmosphere was said to have been highly cordial and congenial. The couple running the show at LETR, Henning Edin Lyche and Liv Kjersti Lyche, when forewarned about the specific occasion being celebrated, revived the best of Drones Club traditions. British high tea was served with much enthusiasm and attention to detail.

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The talks are said to have covered the following topics:

  • BREXIT: Whether Wodehouse, had he been around these days, would have approved of Brexit. The conjecture of the duo was in the negative.
  • The Technological Twist: Would he have continued churning out juicy narratives, with his trademark old world charm, replete with eccentric lords, super-intelligent butlers, domineering aunts, goofy females, woolly-headed bachelors, romantic cops and kids who could motivate even vicars to aspire to higher levels of spiritual upliftment? Especially, in this age of technology and the Internet of Things? The guess was in the affirmative. Probably, at best, telegrams might have got replaced by WhatsApp messages and phone calls by Skype or Viber calls.
  • Of dyspepsia, class distinctions and scarabs: Some ever fresh lessons from ‘Something Fresh‘ came up for discussion. Larsen Exercises, brisk walks and cold baths and the need to have a digestive system which keeps firing at all twelve cylinders, were mentioned with much enthusiasm. The socio-economic divide between Aline Peters and Joan Valentine, inter alia, came under the duo’s lens. The correlation between being a millionaire and being a collector of scarabs was discussed.
  • Real People and Real Books: Many facets of Wodehouse’s personality were discussed. The fact that he modelled his characters based on real life people was mentioned. So was the fact that books like ‘Types of Ethical Theory‘, once used by Florence Craye to attempt to uplift the intellectual leanings of Bertie Wooster, really did exist.
  • The Nietzsche Taboo: Surprise was expressed at the fact that Friedrich Nietzsche, held to be basically unsound by a person no less than Jeeves, was also born on the 15th of October, though the year of his birth was 1844. There were mutual confessions that Jeeves’ word was taken rather seriously. Hence, no attempts were likely to be made to read up any of Nietzsche’s works.
  • No darts, please: Out of respect for the excellent interior design of LETR, as well as for several other customers present, plans to throw some darts were deferred.
  • Potential members: It was noted with much regret that such eminent members as Geir Hasnes, Jo Ingebrigt Spalder, Jens Magne Andreassen, Oystein Moe and others could not join in the festivities.
  • Of 2017: It was hoped that a meeting planned some time in either April or May 2017 would attract better attention of Plum fans based in various parts of Norway. A strong need was felt for a local Jeeves who would be able to spare some time and coordinate the affair.

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It is reliably learnt that Liv Kjersti Lyche, the delicately nurtured better-half of the owner of the place, a charming lady in the mould of Mrs Spottsworth, had spent some time during her teens in India, learning the art of dishing out piping hot samosas and chicken tikka sandwiches.

She also turned out to be a Plum fan, thereby adding some more sparkle and warmth to the proceedings. Another round of animated discussion is said to have followed, wherein ‘Laughing Gas‘ was merely one of the several works of Wodehouse which had popped up.

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The meeting is said to have generated much laughter and camaraderie and reconfirmed the presence of Wodehousitis in the Nordic country which already boasts of more than 40 works of Plum translated into Norwegian. It also set a precedent of sorts in terms of achieving Gender Diversity for the Drones Club.

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Vikings are believed to have had a stiff-upper-lip approach to life in the distant past. Gallows Humour is said to be a typical Scandinavian offering.

Folklore has it that the sense of humour of Indians also leaves much to be desired. If it has been there, perhaps it has been more of the loud and overt kind.

But goofy gatherings of the kind reported herein above indicate that those inhabiting Nordic and Asian regions of the world these days perhaps relish not only a chuckle or two but also a loud guffaw once in a while. Subtle humour of the Wodehousean kind appears to have gained currency in these regions.

One wonders if the Humour Quotient of Homo Sapiens tends to improve in tandem with their gradual evolution over a period of time. If so, sunnier days are ahead. Further research by anthropologists and historians is strongly recommended to validate this hypothesis.

The global per capita density of the epidemic of Wodehousitis also needs to be studied further.

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/07/30/the-epidemic-of-wodehousitis

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2016/01/30/a-drones-club-meet-at-asker-in-norway

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2016/10/18/what-ho-what-ho)

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