When it comes to attaining a state of matrimonial bliss, hapless husbands have to resort to tactics of all kinds. Their
misdemeanours should not come to the notice of the better half. The satiation of their gastric juices has to be accorded a lower priority. The social reputation of their bosom pals has to be sacrificed at the altar of marital peace.
‘Jeeves and the Old School Chum’ (Very Good, Jeeves) is a short story where Bingo Little’s food habits come in for harsh criticism at the hands of Laura Pyke, an old school mate of Rosie M. Banks. Bertie fears that continuous feedback of this nature could result into marital relations between the couple turning sour. However, a missed lunch basket, and a sorely missed afternoon cup of tea, lead to a bitter argument between the school chums. Laura Pyke walks out of their lives. Matrimonial peace continues to reign.
This is how the narrative unfolds.
When two hearts beat like one
‘Oh, sweetie-lambkin, isn’t that lovely?’
‘What?’
‘Laura Pyke wants to come here.’
‘Who?’
‘You must have heard me speak of Laura Pyke. She was my dearest friend at school. I simply worshipped her. She always had such a wonderful mind. She wants us to put her up for a week or two.’
‘Right-ho. Bung her in.’
‘You’re sure you don’t mind?’
‘Of course not. Any pal of yours…’
‘Darling!’ said Mrs Bingo, blowing him a kiss.
‘Angel!’ said Bingo, going on with the sausages.
All very charming, in fact. Pleasant domestic scene, I mean. Cheery give-and-take in the home and all that. I said as much to Jeeves as we drove off.
‘In these days of unrest, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘with wives yearning to fulfill themselves and husbands slipping round the corner to do what they shouldn’t, and the home, generally speaking, in the melting pot, as it were, it is nice to find a thoroughly united couple.’
‘Decidedly agreeable, sir.’
‘I allude to the Bingos – Mr and Mrs.’
‘Exactly, sir.’
‘What was it the poet said of couples like the Bingeese?’
‘“Two minds but with a single thought, two hearts that beat as one”, sir.’
‘A dashed good description, Jeeves.’
‘It has, I believe, given uniform satisfaction, sir.’
An innate tendency to reform husbands
Rosie is absolutely potty about Laura Pyke who holds strict views on what should be eaten and how. The cuisine of the house gets shot to pieces. Cocktails get banned, because they corrode the stomach tissues.
‘Are wives often like that? Welcoming criticism of the lord and master, I mean?’
‘They are generally open to suggestion from the outside public with regard to the improvement of their husbands, sir.’
Bertie is worried for his pal, who is under relentless criticism for his dietary habits. Bingo is being projected to his wife as a sort of human boa-constrictor. Under such circumstances, love could wither.
‘You see, what makes matters worse is that Mrs Bingo is romantic. Women like her, who consider the day ill spent if they have not churned out five thousand words of superfatted fiction, are apt even at the best of times to yearn a trifle. The ink gets into their heads. I mean to say, I shouldn’t wonder if right from the start Mrs Bingo hasn’t had a sort of sneaking regret that Bingo isn’t one of those strong, curt, Empire-building kind of Englishmen she puts into her books, with sad, unfathomable eyes, lean sensitive hands, and riding boots. You see what I mean?’
‘Precisely, sir. You imply that Miss Pyke’s criticisms will have been instrumental in moving the hitherto unformulated dissatisfaction from the subconscious to the conscious mind.’
‘Once again, Jeeves?’ I said, trying to grab it as it came off the bat, but missing it by several yards.
The perils of a missed cup of afternoon tea
At the Lakenham races, Jeeves connives to miss the carefully piled up lunch basket. Bertie is of the opinion that 
missing the afternoon tea could instead provide the requisite ammunition.
‘I fear you have not studied the sex as I have. Missing her lunch means little or nothing to the female of the species. The feminine attitude towards lunch is notoriously airy and casual. Where you have made your bloomer is in confusing lunch with tea. Hell, it is well-known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can’t get it. At such times the most amiable of the sex become mere bombs which a spark may ignite.’
Jeeves manages to drain out petrol from one of the cars. The result is that both the school chums get stuck in a deserted spot, with only a small house visible in the distance.
Fissures soon appear in their relationship, and a fight ensues. Laura Pyke decides to part company, whereupon Bingo blackmails the baby-sitting house occupant into offering some tea to Rosie.
Romance is back on its throne
‘Well, you jolly well aren’t going to,’ said young Bingo. ‘Unless you go straight to the kitchen, put the kettle on, and start slicing bread for the buttered toast, I’ll yell and wake the baby.’
The Bandit turned ashen.
‘You wouldn’t do that?’
‘I would.’
‘Have you no heart?’
‘No.’
‘No human feeling?’
‘No.’
The Bandit turned to Mrs Bingo. You could see his spirit was broken.
‘Do your shoes squeak?’ he asked humbly.
‘No.’
‘Then come on in.’
Thank you,’ said Mrs Bingo.
She turned for an instant to Bingo, and there was a look in her eyes that one of those damsels in distress might have given the knight as he shot his cuffs and turned away from the dead dragon. It was a look of adoration, of almost reverent respect. Just the sort of look, in fact, that a husband likes to see.
‘Darling!’ she said.
‘Darling!’ said Bingo.
‘Angel!’ said Mrs Bingo.
‘Precious!’ said Bingo.
In place of a tankard of ale, hot Scotch-and-water is planned to be served at home that evening. Unalloyed marital bliss prevails.
To sum up, when it comes to ensuring peace at home, Bingo does not believe in flexing his muscles. He does not assert himself. Instead, he makes great sacrifices. He makes full use of Bertie’s milk of human kindness. He requisitions the services of Jeeves, the stout fellow who is full of fat-soluble vitamins.
Perhaps all husbands, whether permanent members of the Self-harassed Husbands’ Association or otherwise, have a chivalrous Bingo Little squirming within themselves. What they lack is a bosom pal like Bertie and a marvel like Jeeves to help them out in times of marital friction.
A Bertie-Jeeves Heart Reuniting Service?
When it comes to bringing soul mates together, Bertie and Jeeves have an impeccable record. The Mating Season 
itself is a clear demonstration of their prowess in uniting as many as half a dozen pairs of hearts. Trials and tribulations of Bingo Little establish their credentials for married couples as well.
You might tend to agree that if ever they decide to start a Heart Reuniting Service specializing in bringing and keeping sundered hearts together, society would stand to gain. Wedding planners, caterers and trousseau marketers would continue to prosper. Divorce rates would plummet. Judges assigned to family courts would breathe easy. Children would be happier.
Perhaps the only ones to complain would be the lawyers specializing in divorce and settlement cases; they might be found crying all the way to their respective banks.
Bingo Little’s Tips Summarized
1. Reputation of devoted friends is a small price to pay for the dove of peace and harmony continuing to flap its sonorous wings over your abode.
2. Protect your social reputation with mercenary zeal. Be prepared to make supreme sacrifices, as and when necessary. A spirit of renunciation helps.
3. When the spouse plans to go to the press with some intimate details, take prompt steps through proper channels and nip all such endeavours in the bud.
4. Do not blow up six-week’s sustenance allowance on a race horse with unproven credentials.
5. If the sporting spirit to make speculative gains is too strong, ensure that the allowance for the same is suitably camouflaged and covered in the regular sustenance allowance.
6. Discourage the better half’s school chums from coming over. If unavoidable, subject their dietary preferences to a pitiless analysis. At the earliest possible opportunity, facilitate a rift between the centre of your universe and her school chum.
7. Ensure that she gets her favourite tissue restorative at the appointed hour. Behave like a knight in shining armour when dealing with baby-sitting bandits who stand in her way.
Do this (and much more) and the dove of peace shall continue to flap its wings over your abode!
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