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Ramgopal Vallath is an inspiration to many. A corporate honcho turned motivational speaker and author, he happens to be an avid fan of P. G. Wodehouse. Here is an article which he has graciously permitted to be published by yours truly.

QUOTE

If someone had told me at the age of ten that one day I would write a bestselling book in English, I would have been completely surprised. English and I were not on the best of terms, since I was doing my schooling entirely in Malayalam, my mother tongue. Not only the sciences and social studies, even English language was taught in Malayalam by our well-meaning teachers. Moreover, like any staunch Communist, as most Malayalis were, I abhorred English as the language of capitalist imperialist pigs. Thus, I would have been wandering through life quoting Malayalam poets at the drop of a hat and drawing myself up indignantly at the mere sight of anyone speaking in English, had it not been for P.G. Wodehouse.

Yes, yes, I can imagine the perplexed looks on your faces. ‘PG Wodehouse is English personified’, you must bePGWodehouse thinking. So how did this Anglophobe gain from the great man?

Well, the story goes as follows. I used to love reading. Apart from reading mythologies  of every conceivable country– Indian, Roman, Greek, Egyptian, Mexican, Nordic, Celtic etc. translated into Malayalam, I would also read translations of classics such as the Three Musketeers or Bram stoker’s Dracula. (not a very wise move, considering I used to stay awake many nights, clutching on to a pod of garlic, staring at my brother’s face to see if his fangs were growing). But my mind was always on an enormous tome at home with the title ‘Most of P. G. Wodehouse’. One night, after my brother BalG, our cat Namu and I pestered my dad relentlessly, he picked up this volume and narrated to us ‘Monkey Business’, the gripping story of Montrose Mulliner, who ‘overcame’ an 800 pound gorilla to win the hand of the girl he loved – all in chaste Malayalam. He managed to retain most of the original humour in the translation, and we were hooked on to PGW. Over the next couple of years, we learned how Wilfred Mulliner rescued his lady love from the vile clutches of Jasper ffinch ffaromere; how Adrian smiled his way through to victory; how George sizzled like a cockroach when he should have been crooning sweet nothings etc. among other assorted Mulliner stories. Golf stories, Blandings stories and Jeeves stories followed in quick succession.

I realized two very important things in life 1. Reading English books can be really fun and 2. Pigs are noble creatures.

Over the next couple of years, starting with Enid Blyton and swiftly working my way up, I managed to improve my English vocabulary sufficiently to be able to read the great man for myself. There were, of course, words that completely stumped me at first – such as ‘imbecile’ and ‘predicament’. However, I gamely plodded on and over time, as I devoured every one of those 952 pages, my grasp and love for the English language grew by leaps and bounds. English language was great – and one that could express humour so well. And with my newfound chummy disposition towards pigs, even being a capitalist, imperialist pig was not so bad. Sad to say that my yearning for a porcine companion remains unfulfilled to this day.

It is not surprising then, that when I wrote my first book, ‘Oops the Mighty Gurgle’, it bordered on the absurd, being sprinkled with situations that could remind one of Bertie Wooster’s predicaments. The greatest compliment I received was when someone told me that the book was a perfect blend of PG Wodehouse and Isaac Asimov. You see, the book was an attempt at marrying science fiction with absurd humour – and I must confess with all humility that I have had many a fan mail, blaming me for causing the reader to look like an imbecile for giggling inanely on a flight. Not surprising, considering that the Darth Vader equivalent in the book is an evolved future-pig called Napoleon and that the most interesting chapter of the book is based on a planet called Holibutt that is inhabited by a species called Cerebums- whose brains are strategically located in a more central part of the body.

And then I wrote my second book, the one that went on to become a bestseller, titled ‘From Ouch to Oops’. This time the challenge was even more – to marry humour and inspiration. It narrated my own life story through its various ups and downs, culminating in the story of how I was crippled by an autoimmune disorder at the height of my career and then reinvented myself as an author, writing my first book using a voice to text software. Thanks to PGW, even this story – which people have found inspiring- was told in a lighthearted, humorous and extremely positive vein.

I guess I can never write a book that is completely serious. But then, I ask you, why should one tell a story as if one has a stick firmly shoved up one’s posterior, when one has the ability to make readers laugh their posteriors off!!

To read ‘Oops the Mighty Gurgle’, click here OMG!

And to read ‘From Ouch to Oops’, click here FOTO

UNQUOTE

Hope you enjoyed it! Here is the link to the original post of his:

http://www.ramgvallath.com/how-p-g-wodehouse-made-me-an-author-and-a-pig-lover

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When the dark clouds of sorrow envelop us and Life makes us glum,

A brilliant ray of humour breaks through in the form of a narrative Plum;

The deep blues of despair and despondency get chased away,

Replaced by a warm glow of joy which holds us in its sway.

 

There is no problem which a brilliant Jeeves cannot solve,

Be it an intellectual girl friend or a scheming aunt with a goofy resolve;

When he shimmers in with one of his pick-me-ups on a tray,

Our hangovers evaporate, making us forget all shades of grey.

 

All his solutions are based on the psychology of the individual,

His approach to solving problems is often circuitous and gradual;

Breaking a few eggs to make an omelette is a sign of his maturity,

By ensuring his master never ties the knot, he enjoys job security.

 

With a pal like Bertie Wooster around, never to let us down,

He pleads the case of a tongue-tied lover, his face without a frown;

To bring together two hearts, he would even shove a kid into the lake,

The Code of the Woosters he follows, would do anything for a pal’s sake.

 

The pride of the Wooster clan is close to his heart, the feudal spirit intact,

For the sake of an aunt, restoring a stolen cat to its owner is part of a pact;

For the happiness of an uncle, thirty days without the option is no big deal,

At the end of which he merely aspires for a delectable Anatole meal.

 

The sporting spirit of Bingo Little keeps our spirits soaring,

His endeavours to touch the son’s Godfather for a tenner are endearing;

A knight in shining armour, he ensures Rosie gets her afternoon cup of tea,

For matrimonial nectar to pour in, he works as hard as a honey bee.

 

The generosity of Lord Emsworth is an example for all of us to follow,

A girl friend deserves to be treated lavishly, sans any hospitality hollow;

McAllister notwithstanding, the sanctity of the moss-covered yew alley is to be maintained,

For the Empress to feed well, thoughts of drawing a parson’s son as a niece’s life partner may be entertained.

 

Those who wish to unleash their animal spirits get great entrepreneurial advice,

The likes of Sally and Joan Valentine are there to inspire them at the throw of a dice;

Unless you speculate, you do not accumulate, is what Ukridge strongly recommends,

Those burning their houses to claim insurance get caught and need to make amends.

 

Psmith provides us many tips to survive and do well at our place of work,

Cultivating a Friendly Native is something from which he would never shirk;

Motivating an efficient deputy like Mike to do his bidding is a part of his plan,

Haunting the boss at his club or at public rallies he does with great suavity and elan.

 

Mr Mulliner gives us a sneak peek into the world of eccentric movie producers,

Of struggling starlets, dreamy script writers and subservient nodders;

Fighting a guerilla to win the affections of a lady love is the work of a moment,

When fed only on the juice of an orange, people go to war with their souls in torment.

 

Ashe Marson is there to provide tips to all those wanting to remain fit,

Larsen exercises, brisk walks and cold baths form a part of his wellness kit;

Troubles of the lining of the stomach unite those who are young at heart,

Forsaking the pleasures of the table and allowing Prudence to win over Greed is a worthy art.

 

Hapless rozzers watch with dismay as criminals are let off the hook by the Justices of Peace,

Members of the canine species restraining them from discharging their duties they catch with ease;

Ceaseless vigil is their motto, but they face the professional hazard of getting their helmets pinched,

They have their own methods of investigation, but their sinister ‘Ho’s and ‘Ha’s fail to get a matter clinched.

 

When judges look at us with a stern eye, dishing out a hefty fine of five bobs,

We think on our feet and give out an assumed name, sparing the family some sobs;

Supportive members of the delicately nurtured tribe rescue us from confinement,

The art of pinching umbrellas and silver cow-creamers surely needs some refinement.

 

Boy scouts out on their errands of mercy use paraffin to douse a chimney fire,

Would-be step-fathers not paying up protection money face consequences dire;

Rogue ones, when in love with Hollywood divas, start behaving angelically,

Priests need them around so as to be hotter on their jobs and to evolve spiritually.

 

Female lion-tamers appear in the form of a school headmistress,

A sharp reprimand on smoking in the shrubbery causes much distress;

Escapades to steal cookies are met with steely eyes and a stiff upper lip,

Getting six juicy ones on the soft spot is a chance we would like to give a slip.

 

Dogs gaze at us with soulful eyes, get led like a lamb with the whiff of aniseed,

Sleepy cats adore those who scratch them behind the ears whenever they need;

Young hippopotami wilt and retreat when faced with White Hunters duly armed,

Cabinet Ministers brave heavy rain, face an angry swan and return shaken but unharmed.

 

Touch any aspect of life and Plum would have covered it in one of his works,

They cast a spell, improve mental health, and protect us from life’s harsh jerks;

Some may label it escapism, others the portrayal of an era long since past,

Oh, what a pleasure it is to bask in the sunshine of Plumsville’s plains vast.

 

Each narrative embellished with the pristine language of the Queen,

Laced with lofty codes of conduct flouting which is no task mean;

Eccentric characters, delightful situations, unalloyed humour, sparkling wit,

Enough to earn us ridicule in public places but a great prescription for keeping fit.

 

His works carry life lessons which we can pick up and apply,

Amongst his characters, milk of human kindness is never in short supply;

On offer are sumptuous literary quotes and many a spiritual insight,

Keeping our passion for laughter and happiness alive and shining bright.

 

(This composition has also been translated into Italian language. Same can be accessed at http://www.ilcovile.it/scritti/COVILE_935_Wodehouse_2.pdf)

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Here is a short and crisp overview of the magnetic force known as P G Wodehouse.

stephenarthurlarson's avatarHere be Stephen's blog

In the past couple of years, there are few authors that I have come to know and enjoy as much as P.G Wodehouse.  An absolutely remarkable, and somewhat tragic, man in real life, Wodehouse’s extensive literary output is lesser known today than it should be.  I am far from the only person to believe that Wodehouse possessed a mastery of the English language that has seldom ever been seen, and when combined with his remarkable, creative, and versatile comic genius, you get a unique, highly enjoyable author.  I do not think there are many harder books to write than a humorous one.  To base a book solely on its humor is incredibly challenging.  To write as many as Wodehouse did as well as he did is unbelievable.  His books never fail to, at the least, have me chuckling inwardly, and will even force an audible laugh from my lips (a…

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The rekindled romance of Joe and Julia makes us realize that wounds caused by Cupid’s arrows do not get healed very easily. These remain subdued, only to resurface when we least expect them to. Even the younger lot benefit from the same.

Here is yet another juicy post from Plumtopia.

Honoria Plum's avatarPlumtopia

PGW Man with two left feetHot on the heels of the Blandings centenary in June comes the 100th anniversary of P.G. Wodehouse’s Bertie Wooster and Reginald Jeeves, who made their first appearance in the story “Extricating Young Gussie”, published September 1915 in the Saturday Evening Post. The centenary has been commemorated with a flurry of articles –try What ho! Celebrating 100 years of Bertie, Jeeves and Blandings by Aparna Narrain, or  Jeeves and the vital oolong in The Economist. But in spite of praise for Wodehouse and his beloved duo –who made their final appearance in 1974’s Aunts Aren’t Gentlemen– this first story, “Extricating Young Gussie“, continues to hide it’s light under a bushel. If indeed that’s what lights do.

In his introduction to the 1967 omnibus The World of Jeeves, Wodehouse laments giving Jeeves just two lines, and no important role in the story:

It was only some time later, when I was going into the…

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If you missed being with Psmith in Pseattle, do not worry. Here is a quick recap of the revelries which ensued. Honoria Glossop recounts her escapade with some juicy details in this post of hers.

Her speech on the psychology of the Plum reader, ostensibly delivered after she had gulped down a jugful of the right stuff, was received with much enthusiasm.

Soak in the sunny details!

Honoria Plum's avatarPlumtopia

Goodies

What Ho, old beans!

Last week I attended an excellent binge at The Wodehouse Society’s (TWS) 18th convention, Psmith in Pseattle. It was my first TWS convention, and even more psensational than anticipated. So, climb upon my knee, Sonny Boy, and I’ll tell you about it.

Introductions
As a TWS first timer, I entered the lobby of the impressive Fairmont Olympic Hotel under a cloud –not one of Seattle’s famous v-shaped depressions, but a personal one. Having lived almost exclusively behind a keyboard for the last few years, my people skills are not what they once were. Nor are my trousers, which are let out far more often than I am. So it’s fair to say I was not at my confident best, and beginning to wish I’d stayed under my little rock in Somerset UK. Added to this, I had recklessly agreed to appear as a speaker and…

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The festival season is already upon us, yet again. Those in the Western world are gearing up for celebrating Christmas and New Year. Those in such emerging economies as India are already in the midst of a shopping frenzy, having kick-started the season with Raksha Bandhan, Janamashtami, Ganesh Chaturthi, Durga Puja, Vijayadashmi and Muharram.new-year-2014-firework

They now eagerly look forward to celebrating Guru Nanak Dev’s birthday, Diwali, the festival of lights, and Eid. These would be followed by Christmas, just before the New Year rings in, bringing in its wake Pongal, celebrated in the southern parts and Makar Sankranti, celebrated in the northern parts of India.

Come festive season and a new spirit seems, every year, to cast its spell over the entire community. A spirit of outwardly cheerfulness and goodwill prevails. Fresh rays of hope penetrate through the dense clouds of gloom. Concerns of eking out a living fade away, giving way to a transient resurgence of happiness. Relationships get nurtured afresh. Networking concerns reign supreme.

Much before the actual festival, a tornado of gigantic preparations hits the unsuspecting populace. Hectic preparations get made. Almost all segments of the community experience a rush which sends the adrenaline shooting up to stratospheric heights. Many bemoan the fact that there is so much work to do that there is hardly any time left to, well, celebrate!

Some corporate sparklers

The CEOs in companies can be seen burning the midnight oil to scrutinize the list of VIPs and friends who deserve to Deepawali-festivalbe gifted this year, ostensibly in proportion to their Helpfulness Quotient to the company they work for. Hapless managers can be seen working late hours in warehouses and super markets, collecting either samples or bulk deliveries of the goods to be ferried to the offices and residences of the high and mighty.

HR honchos are busy trying to freeze their festival bonus negotiations. Finance wizards are scratching their heads, trying to dig up deep resources for the upcoming heavy strain on their company’s accounts. Marketing experts are busy ensuring that all promotional campaigns run with clockwork precision, and that distributors’ payments are rolling in at the same speed at which the goods are flying off the shelves. Hassled production guys are praying for the festive rush to get over so they might be able to return to their home and hearth, sit by the fireplace and spend some quality time with their families.

Inwardly, lesser mortals twiddle their thumbs trying to figure out how to manage the finances for buying new clothes, sweets, gifts, crackers and decorative items which go along with the festivities. Much time and effort is spent in ensuring that their bosses – whether at home or at the place of work – are not left behind with a sour taste in the mouth after the festivities get over and the last of the sweets have been shoved down the hatch.

The retail fireworks

Those still in the business of brick-and-mortar retail continue to have sleepless nights. Stocking the right goods, replenishing stocks at the Sikh_Gurus_Guru Nanak with_Bhai_Bala_and_Bhai_Mardanaspeed of Light and changing the window displays thrice in a day are only some of the challenges they have to cope with.

Owners of shopping malls chew their nails trying to figure out which happening brand to bring in next year so as to arrest the downward spiral of customer footfalls.

As e-retailers become more aggressive, hefty discounts allure the lay customer. Courier companies make hay while the festive sun shines. Telecom companies register abnormal jumps in their revenues. Career prospects of delivery boys and girls brighten up. The economy gets a solid boost, cheering the politicians who claim absolute credit for better days having finally arrived for the hoi polloi.

In traditional communities, the festival of Diwali cannot be consummated unless some yellow metal is bought afresh. Bullion traders, designers, jewelers and craftsmen work round the clock and laugh all the way to their respective banks.

A positive spin on the news of the day

Those who devour their daily newspaper with much relish, a cup of steaming hot tea by their sides, are a happier lot these days.

News of a depressing kind – terror, violence, murder, rape, vindictive politics – is relegated to the background. Instead, full-page advertisements and pull-outs featuring scantily dressed models enticing them to own the latest smart phones, electrical appliances, cars, furniture, clothes, jewellery, pickles and such other items greet them upfront.

An alien being passing by our planet these days, were she to come across some of the enticements on offer, could be excused for believing that she has finally landed in Heaven!

The frowning calorie-counters

At festive times, managers face a different genre of pressure – not the ‘peer’ kind but that of the ‘pear’ kind. Since noeid-e-miladunnabi_64275 celebration is complete without their gorging on an assortment of delectable sweets and cakes, not to mention their having to guzzle down a wide range of tissue restoratives, the fitness freaks amongst them are a worried lot.

Calorie-conscious denizens are revisiting their exercise related pious intentions stated in their last New Year’s resolutions. Larsen Exercises popularized by Ashe Marson are being looked up on Google. Gym memberships are hard to come by. Sales of physical fitness equipments zoom.

Some models which fail

Minor employees of shops, departmental stores and other nests peddling their goods and services smile invitingly when approached by customers. Lured by hefty but deceptive discounts, the latter shop to their heart’s content. In supermarket aisles, it is common to see hassled husbands hidden behind a tower of shiny gift packets dutifully following their wives to the nearest billing counter. Lobby managers in hotels and restaurants can be seen perspiring, trying to manage the queue of weary shoppers pouring in.

Those in the transportation business have no moment to spare either. Since everyone wants to travel to some place or the other, even the best of linear programming models and queuing theories fail to provide succour to a professionally trained manager desperately trying to satisfy her customers.

Thrifty homemakers

What happens to all the festival presents? This is a question which has long vexed thinking Homo sapiens. EveryChristmas-and-New-Year-Gifts year, a tsunami of incredibly useless junk bursts upon our civilization. Experts in Sustainable Development advocate drawing recycling lessons from many of our religious outfits which permit the same invocatory items to be sold and resold to gullible devotees, till the process of natural decay or irreparable damage takes over.

Thrifty homemakers rummage through their cupboards to pull out gifts received from others during the year. Skills in polishing leather, silver and brass items help them to burnish their own brand value. Experts at repackaging the same for another set of beneficiaries, their shopping is merely confined to glistening gift wrapping papers, shiny ribbons and cute little cards which must carry the name of the gift-giver more prominently than that of the clueless gift-receiver.

If they happen to possess qualities of humaneness and genuine love, they gift items which can be recycled by the unsuspecting recipients next year round. The risk, of course is for them to receive the same item back a few years down the road.

Members of the rag-picking tribe do a wonderful job – that of picking up the junk discarded by haughty recipients and handing it back to retail chains which are happy to recycle the stuff at the next festival that comes bounding up.Chrisrmas_postcard_1907

It stands to reason that the tribes which manufacture and distribute such items strongly resent such practices.

Sulking youngsters

The young brats who cause many a doting parent to wonder if the decision to bear a progeny was indeed a wise one can be seen sitting in a dark corner with a sullen expression on their faces.

Santa Claus appears to have neglected them. Their friends have procured the latest range of crackers – a feat which their father has not been able to accomplish. The i-Phone or the tablet they were hoping to get by way of a gift is nowhere in sight. Instead, they have been dumped with some creaky plastic toy which has long since gone out of fashion. An uncle who has popped up from a distant land has merely brought a digital time clock so they may get up in time to catch the school bus.

Surely, all this does not deserve the old-time gratitude, warmth and sincerity which even a chocolate bar used to merit a few years back. The Yuletide spirit is singularly absent.

Raising the level of intellect

Some shop for books to be gifted. Shiny volumes of Shakespeare, Tennyson or Wordsworth get chosen for the elderly.CodeOfTheWoosters Neatly packed omnibus editions of Omar Khayyam, P G Wodehouse, Khalil Gibran and Rabindranath Tagore get selected for the young-at-heart. Shimmering publications in the Harry Potter series fly off the warehouse shelves, delighting old and young alike.

All these activities generate much-desired revenue for a number of writers who refuse to abandon the proverbial pen and keep churning out stuff which gets devoured only by a select group of their fans. Employers who have been deprived of their services breathe easy, having been spared the torture of hiring and firing absent-minded writers who would have otherwise messed up quite a few things in their company’s operations.

Publishers who are still in the conventional mould rely on the festive season to help them to get rid of several non-moving worst-seller tomes which they have published during the past few months, merely to oblige their spouses’ relations.

Of e-greetings

Thanks to advancements in technology, the tedious task of selecting shiny greeting cards, signing them individually and then ensuring that the same get posted well within time to the right addresses of the intended recipients has got simplified. The omnipresent Internet ensures that common relatives and friends can get greeted with effortless ease over mails, social media or applications like WhatsApp.

Invoking the Guardian Angel

The manner in which we view our festivals depends on the phase of the life we are in.

For a homemaker bringing up irrepressible kids in a joint family, there is no time to brood over such matters. She canChristmas Nativity_tree2011 be seen hurriedly pulling out all the grandma’s recipes so as to effectively compete with Anatole and get praised by her family as ‘God’s gift for the gastric juices’. The so-called Lord and Master of the household can be seen scouring the markets for the best deal possible for gifts to be procured.

A quieter soul like that of Bertie Wooster might wish to skip all the buzz and plan to instead go off on a retreat and enjoy a few weeks of rest and repose. A country cottage built along the lines of Wee Nooke would get booked. Arrangements would be made to ensure that Edwin the Boy Scout is not around. All supplies of paraffin would be cleverly concealed. While Jeeves would ensure a steady supply of soluble piscine vitamins, Bertie would invoke his Guardian Angel and practice on his banjeole. His batteries would then be fully charged up for the big bash lined up at Drones on the eve of Christmas.

An elderly person in the mould of Lord Emsworth might just continue to potter around the sprawling gardens at Blandings Castle and wonder if there a way to stay aloof from all the commercial jazz. Instead, he might simply prefer to find a quiet meditative spot in the moss-covered yew alley, get connected to the higher power which any particular festival is supposed to invoke, and pray for an all-in-one package to be granted: For the Empress to remain in the pink of health, for the Hon. Frederick Threepwood to remain preoccupied with the promotion of Donaldson’s Dog-Biscuits in distant lands, and for Lady Constance to remain off his abode for a long time to come.

Peace would prevail. God would be in heaven. All would be well with the world. Real celebrations can then begin!

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Think of those lavish spreads of Anatole’s and the mouth waters. MereWodehouse characters description of the dishes dished out by the “God’s gift to our gastric juices” makes us drool.

Even though the names of the dishes sound enticing, not many of us pause to think of the ingredients.

Take a saunter down Moulder’s Lane and you will find each of the dishes de-mystified. This delectable post would not only whet your appetite but also make you wonder at the investigative skills of the authoress who could perhaps pose a danger to the career prospects of Sherlock Holmes.

Bon appetit!

Statutory Warning: Partaking of all the dishes mentioned herein in one go could upset your calorie counts. The lining of your stomach could register a protest. Restraint is advised.

(Illustration courtesy www)

(Related posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/10/30/of-bertie-goofy-females-and-the-wooster-clan

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/10/15/an-invitation-for-the-residents-of-plumsville

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2023/05/29/when-anatole-goes-off-to-pondicherry-india)

Victoria Madden's avatarMoulders Lane

After an amusing discussion at Baker’s Daughter blog on food in books and eating the Enid Blyton way, and a prompt from that witty Wodehouse fan the Old Reliable Ashokbhatia, I have polished up my A level French and scoured the internet to bring you this Wodehousian feast. Aficianados will recall it is the menu put together by Bertie in The Code of the Woosters after he anticipates being jugged in lieu of Aunt Dahlia:

‘Bertie! Do you mean this?’

‘I should say so. What’s a mere thirty days in the second division? A bagatelle. I can do it on my head. Let Bassett do his worst. And, ‘ I added in a softer voice, ‘ when my time is up and I come out into the world once more a free man, let Anatole do his best. A month of bread and water or skilly or whatever they…

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Once upon a time, behind every successful senior manager or CEO, there used to be a secretary. Without a secretary fussing over them, the best of bosses would collapse. Their performance ratings would drop. Meetings, appointments, conference calls, travel plans,  grapevine management, appointments, appraisals, promotions – there was virtually no activity in a company which fell outside the circle of influence of this omniscient and omnipotent tribe. Lesser mortals would invariably strive to always remain in the good books of the members of this species.

Over time, this species appears to have joined the ranks of such endangered ones as those of tigers, rhinos and panthers. The smart ones have managed to get kicked upwards and have assumed operational roles. The not-so-smart ones have gravitated towards the unalloyed bliss of handling some mundane chores. The dull ones have simply been asked to pack their bags and seek greener pastures elsewhere.

If there is any evidence of actionable sustainability for the secretarial species of our corporate world, it comes in the form of writers, illustrators and cartoonists. Writers like P G Wodehouse have envisioned characters in the secretarial mould. The Goofiness Quotient of such characters continues to give millions of fans the hope that the imprints of this tribe on the sands of time never get washed away. Eminent artists like R K Laxman and Mario Miranda have breathed visual life into the members of this species. This has ensured that they continue to remain enshrined in our collective psyche for posterity.

Some Plum Secretaries

In the works of P G Wodehouse, we come across Rupert Baxter, the efficient secretary of Lord Emsworth. When at Blandings Castle, we also run into the suave Rupert Psmith and the conscientious Eve Halliday. When in the company of Lord Marshmoreton, we meet Alice Faraday. Julia Ukridge has a secretary by the name of Dora Mason. Aunt Agatha’s plans to get Bertie Wooster to take up the role of a secretary to the Cabinet Minister, A. B. Filmer, get thwarted by the acts of an angry swan.

Detailed profiles of these characters, as well as their juicy escapades, deserve a closer scrutiny in a future post.

Miss Fonseca: A Weapon of Mass Distraction

To Mario Miranda goes the credit of having etched out a truly memorable character in his works. Who can forget the buxom but woolly-headed Miss Fonseca? Besides being a Weapon of Mass Distraction, her job is full of challenges. She has to make sense out of whatever The Boss mumbles in the course of dictating a letter. She has to re-do letters all the times, because The Boss keeps changing his mind with each draft that she prepares.

Every time she crosses her legs, The Boss gets distracted. There are times when her presence in the office becomes a hindrance to work. The poor soul is expected to manage all kinds of advances, irrespective of the hierarchical level of the predator on prowl. She has to take some inappropriate comments in her stride. She has to handle obnoxious calls from the Income Tax department. She even has to face an irate spouse of The Boss.

Here are a few snippets from the portfolio of Mario Miranda which continue to amuse, entertain and educate all managers.

Mario Secretary 15Mario Secretary 08Mario Secretary 13Mario Secretary 05Mario Secretary 02Mario Secretary 03Mario Secretary 04Mario Secretary 06Mario Secretary 07Mario Secretary 10Mario Secretary 11Mario Secretary 12Mario Secretary 16Mario Secretary 17Mario Secretary 09Mario Secretary 01

The perils of having a secretary

Here are two cartoons of the master of the art, R K Laxman. These demonstrate that even The Boss faces challenges in having a secretary around. If he takes one home, he is doomed. If he ends up marrying one, he suffers all the more.

Cartoon Bringing Secty Home

Cartoon Secy as a Wife

Much like dinosaurs, which got wiped out from the face of our planet, the tribe of secretaries has also got all but banished from the office space. However, it would be wrong to surmise that this species has become completely extinct in the corporate planet most managers inhabit. Advent of technology, changes in managerial styles and flatter hierarchies have merely made secretaries a rare breed. Those who have re-invented their portfolios have attained the next evolutionary stage of either an Executive Assistant or an Officer on Special Duty. Others have simply got ‘promoted’, what with the luxury of having a secretary moving upwards, to the higher echelons of an organization.

Thanks to such literary and artistic geniuses like P G Wodehouse, R K Laxman and Mario Miranda, to name only a few, secretaries shall never get wiped out as a species. Through their sparkling wit and humour, they shall live in our minds forever.

(Sources:

-Mario’s Best Cartoons, Book I, ISBN 978-81-901830-6-2, gifted to yours truly by a thoughtful friend based at Goa in India

-The Management of Management by R K Laxman, ISBN 81-7094-497-X)

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/10/28/some-management-lessons-from-mario-miranda

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2013/10/15/the-inimitable-r-k-laxman)

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While taking a leisurely stroll through the sunlit streets of Plumsville, lined on both sides with trees offering low-hanging ripe mangoes of unalloyed mirth, we come across quite a few authors, editors and publishers.

We get to meet Florence Craye, the famous author of ‘Spindrift’. We run into Oliver Randolph ‘Sippy’ Sipperley, the aspiring author. Gwendolen Moon, the poetess, crosses the street in front of us. George Webster ‘Boko’ Fittleworth bumps into us at the next corner. Smooth Lizzie, a poetess in whom critics might be disappointed, flashes past us in her two-seater. Even Bertie Wooster, our favourite hero, can be seen rushing to the offices of Milady’s Boudoir, possibly to submit his piece on ‘What the Well-Dressed Man is Wearing’.

Daphne Dolores Morehead can be seen headed somewhere in a hurry. Rosie M. Banks can be seen rushing to her humble abode, just to check if Bingo Junior’s bank passbook has finally got updated with the tenner handed over to her loving husband some time back. Bingo Little, himself an editor of Wee Tots, can be seen trying to touch Oofy Prosser for a tenner, so the loss may be made up before her loving wife discovers it. Lord Tilbury, the famous publisher, may get noticed rushing off in a disguise, ostensibly to avoid any manuscripts being hurled at him by aspiring authors from the windows of a passing bus.

A transient state of mental menopausewriters' block image

Though we happen to know most of the authors, writers, poets and poetesses mentioned above, we have no clue as to how they keep whipping up juicy as well as not-so-juicy stuff for their public. We empathize with their feelings of despondency and gloom if they pass a single day without writing at least five hundred odd words. But we continue to be clueless if they ever encounter the dreadful condition described by those in the writing trade as a Writer’s Block. Given the challenges they face in their mundane lives, they would surely be facing a transient state of mental menopause, as it were, at some point in time or the other. But they hide such perils of their profession well.

With one exception – that of Ashe Marson, the hero of Something Fresh. In his case, we get a sneak peek into the kind of conditions which can leave a writer’s sensitive soul all of a twitter, facing a condition which stupefies the brain. The flow of ideas gets blocked. The words no longer pour out, much like a public water tap which goes dry without a warning in a city in one of the emerging economies of the world.

Ashe Marson and the Wand of Death

Residents of Plumsville are aware that Ashe keeps the wolves at bay by dishing out the adventures of Gridley Quayle, Investigator, which are so popular with a certain section of the reading public. He is also known to be a regular when it comes to performing Larsen Exercises in public spaces, having become immune to the no-longer-curious glances of the proprietors of Hotels Mathis and Previtali, few cabmen, some chambermaids and even a cat. Physical fitness is his gospel.1915 Something Fresh collage

But one morning, he gets laughed at by a girl on a first floor balcony. Ashe gets beaten. On this particular day, this one scoffer, alone and unaided, is sufficient for his undoing. The depression, which his exercise regimen had begun to dispel, surges back on him. He has no heart to continue. Sadly gathering up his belongings, he returns to his room, and finds even a cold bath tame and uninspiring.

The breakfast, comprising a disheveled fried egg, some charred bacon and a cup of chicory which is euphemistically called coffee, aggravates the grip of misery. And when he forces himself to his writing-table, and begins to try to concoct the latest of the adventures of Gridley Quayle, Investigator, his spirit groans within him. He rumples his hair and gnaws his pen. He looks blankly for half an hour in front of a sheet of paper bearing the words: “The Adventure of the Wand of Death,” and tries to decide what a wand of death might be.

This is how Wodehouse describes the inner thoughts of his hero:

It was with the sullen repulsion of a vegetarian who finds a caterpillar in his salad that he now sat glaring at them.

The title had seemed so promising overnight–so full of strenuous possibilities. It was still speciously attractive; but now that the moment had arrived for writing the story its flaws became manifest.

What was a wand of death? It sounded good; but, coming down to hard facts, what was it? You cannot write a story about a wand of death without knowing what a wand of death is; and, conversely, if you have thought of such a splendid title you cannot jettison it offhand.

An interruption makes him feel all the more disoriented. However, the intruder happens to be the heroine, Joan Valentine. She de-mystifies the Wand of Death for him thus:

“Why, of course; it’s the sacred ebony stick stolen from the Indian temple, which is supposed to bring death to whoever possesses it. The hero gets hold of it, and the priests dog him and send him threatening messages.
What else could it be?”

Ashe gets back on track!

This is how poor Betty suffers one

So widespread is the silent epidemic of Writer’s Block that even such popular series as Archie Comics has been forced to accord recognition to it once in a while.

Take the case of poor Betty. She has unique qualities of head and heart. However, given her unselfish and helpful nature, she ends up hitting a Writer’s Block. The milk of human kindness sloshing about within her proves to be her undoing. In one episode of these popular comics, she runs quite a few errands. By the time she can please everyone else and hit her typewriter to start pouring out her ideas onto some sheets of paper, the brain refuses to fire even on a single cylinder.

Betty 1 01 (43)betty 2 01 (42)Betty 3 01 (41)Betty 4 01 (40)Betty 5 01 (39)

Even the high and mighty suffer

Present day authors and bloggers can derive some solace from the fact that some of the greatest writers in literature — Leo Tolstoy, Virginia Woolf, Katherine Mansfield, Joseph Conrad, Ernest Hemingway — were tormented by momentary lapses in their ability to dish out some juicy text or the other.

The sensitive souls that authors are, they are apt to be influenced and distracted by external occurrences. But come to think of it, it is their jaundiced view of such occurrences alone that provides them the fodder for their literary produce.

Imagine an author like P G Wodehouse sitting lonely in a dense forest, trying to come up with some escapades of Bertie Wooster and Jeeves. With only a couple of birds and monkeys for company, he is likely to return home in the evening with some blank sheets.

He undoubtedly needs his quiet space. But he also gets in the bargain several distractions. Ethel pottering about in the kitchen. Pets who relish the joys of walking the ramp over some typewritten sheets lying on the floor. A maid who will come in just as he is brooding on his next Hollywood script. A surprise visit by a government official. A postman who brings in some fan mail.

Distractions all, yes. Leading to a Writer’s Block once in a while, yes. But each one is perhaps also an opportunity for him to view a mundane occurrence afresh, with a new perspective. Traits of each real-life person providing him the finer details of some fictional characters he is writing about.

Keeping the milk of human kindness from spilling over

Authors need an eco-system which enables them to strike a judicious balance between their off-society times of solitude and their open-for-interaction times. Successful ones perhaps perfect the art of walking this tight-rope. They make sure they do not exercise in public spaces. They get fed well. They do not get interrupted when they are in their quiet corner, dishing out the adventures of an investigator liked by their publishers and readers. Unlike Betty, they keep their milk of human kindness from spilling over to their grey cells. Their passion for writing keeps them more focused on their journey of creative expression.

Suffering from a Writer’s Block these days? Fret not. Some unique insight is bound to pop up in your mind soon enough. Perhaps, a Joan Valentine is about to walk in and talk about the Indian connection of the mysterious Wand of Death, thereby spurring you on to dizzying heights of creativity!

(Notes:

  1. Images of Writer’s Block and Something Fresh courtesy www.
  2. Archie source: Issue No. 221, Episode titled ‘Betty in the Write Mood‘)

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World over, one activity which keeps ordinary citizens delightfully preoccupied is that of exercising their right toelection voting choose the government they deserve. Travel to any continent, and one is apt to find a set of either countries or states which have either held an election, or are gearing up for the same.

Indians had their share of the fun in 2014 itself. Citizens of Zambia and Italy enjoyed casting a vote earlier this year. So did the denizens of Israel, UK, Poland, Mexico, Turkey and Singapore. Those who live in Portugal have just cast their votes. The ones who inhabit Egypt, Switzerland and Canada are just relishing the build-up of election rhetoric in their respective countries. Citizens of Myanmar, Spain and US are surely looking forward to the experience.

The Amusement Quotient

The process of holding aloft some core democratic values is not bereft of its entertainment value. Hapless citizens who struggle to etch out a living on a day-to-day basis surely deserve as much humour in their lives as they can manage to get. One source of amusement comprises the empty rhetoric and inane promises which get made in almost all the election speeches. Yet another is the tendency of blaming the previous regimes for all the current troubles.

Then we have the ‘simple harmonic motion’ proclivity of politicians who keep changing their loyalties, much like the delicately nurtured whoPGW Garfieldand_friends keep getting in and out of different dresses when taking a saunter down the ramp. Once a war of words starts, Newton’s Third Law of Motion kicks in. Much heat gets generated, but no light.

Some contestants are themselves so very colourful that the speeches rolling off their glib tongues provide enough merriment to last a few weeks at least. It does not really matter which ideology or political party they happen to represent. Their Amusement Quotient (AQ) remains unaffected. The jury though is still out whether a high AQ score translates into a high vote share as well.

Of goodies without tears

Election times not only provide succor to the souls which are perennially tormented by the harsh slings and arrows of life. Often, there is a ready supply of cash and goodies. Free transport to and from exotic locales is readily available. So are free lunches, for a change. The speed at which liquor flows could put a rivulet to shame.

Elections provide great chances of making a great deal of noise. Not to forget the chance of smashing shop-windows and burning vehicles; the sheer excitement of either beating up policemen or pinching their helmets.

Add to this the unique opportunity of throwing rotten apples, tomatoes and eggs at candidates who propound a view which happens to be contrary to that of the voters. No wonder citizens of countries which hold frequent elections end up getting international recognition in such areas as archery and shooting.

Politicians in the Wodehouse mould

Those familiar with the works of P G Wodehouse would fondly recall the select few characters therein having politicalRoderickSpode inclinations – voluntarily or otherwise. Roderick Spode, Comrade Bingo’s revolutionary pals, the Heralds of the Red Dawn, the Hon’ble A. B. Filmer, Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe, Mr. John Bickersdyke, Bertie’s pal Ginger and Stilton Cheesewright would readily spring to their minds.

When they look around the present set of politicians who keep huffing and puffing at frequent intervals, they are apt to be able to identify some unique traits of the Wodehousean characters in most of them.

The deep commitment to the Cause of a Spode. The revolutionary pals who fail to recognize the new-age challenges facing their outdated ideology. The self-assured stuffed-frog charisma of a Filmer. The morally dubious character of a Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe. The never-say-die spirit of a John Bickersdyke. The reluctant politicians in the mould of either a Ginger or a Stilton, on whom political ambition has been thrust by a no-nonsense girl friend.

Carbon credits, humour and mythology – the Indian scenario

The largest democratic exercise anywhere in the world takes place in India. The general elections in 2014 have beenIndia Parliament House quickly followed by state assembly polls. Earlier in 2015, Delhi chose a new government. It is now Bihar’s turn. States like Assam, Kerala, Pondicherry, West Bengal and Tamil Nadu follow in 2016.

In large states, campaigns and rallies based on 3-D holographic techniques are now more of a norm than an exception. Political parties using these can surely claim ‘carbon credits’ for adopting greener practices.

Indian elections have more than their share of humour and spectacle, much like elections elsewhere. Some politicians display their salty wit while some make do with their smiling sarcasm. Some go around chest-thumping and rattling off their achievements whereas some others thrive on their quiet dignity and a Monalisque enigma.

The great mythological epics of India provide an excellent resource base to contestants. Their complicated storylines and character lists provide unique opportunities for allusions and allegories to be drawn, thereby providing a divine touch to the worst of invectives which are routinely hurled at each other. Indian politicians’ mastery over mythology needs to be commended. Publishers of kids’ literature based on these epics surely laugh all the way to their banks.

The potential of Election Tourism

India has the good fortune of having a few state elections every year, the general elections being the blockbusterTaj offerings every five years. Invariably, the sheer magnitude of the exercise leads to staggered multi-phase elections, which offer a unique business opportunity – to those in the hospitality and tourism sector, and also to the government by buoying up its foreign exchange earnings.

India already boasts of Cultural Tourism, Business Tourism, Medical Tourism, Religious Tourism, Spiritual Tourism and the Goa kind of tourism. Time, perhaps, to tweak the Incredible India panoply and include Election Tourism as one of its key verticals.

Some incredible benefits

Consider the following advantages of such an initiative:
• A global platform for all our politicos to display their theatrical and oratory skills.Angelina_Jolie_2_June_2014_
• Rebranding India – from a land of snake-charmers and elephants to a digital-savvy country, what with innovative 3-D holographic campaigns, mobile applications and the works.
• Global promotion of the kind of mud-slinging which goes on, in the name of campaigning.
• A unique exposure to India’s rich mythology and epics.
• Improvement in the country’s foreign exchange reserves, with its attendant benefits for the Indian economy.
• Boost to several sectors of the economy, like travel, tourism and hospitality; the spill-over effect on other sectors.
• Boost to investments from Swiss Finishing Schools which would make a beeline to set up coaching centers in India, aimed at grooming our politicos.
• Political parties could augment their inflows by auctioning the rights to campaign amongst international celebrities. Imagine the likes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore getting roped in to make selective appearances at public meetings and shoring up the electoral prospects of some parties.
• Some movie moghuls from Hollywood could even get tempted to persuade Julia Roberts to appear in a movieMadrid_-_Congreso_de_Diputados entitled ‘Eat, Pray and Vote’, thereby improving the prospects of even smaller political parties to make a mark.

An exciting global outlook

Once India provides a lead along these lines, several other countries would follow suit. Their GDPs would register a healthy increase. Unemployment rates would dip. Politicos of all hues will get a global platform to showcase their marketing abilities. In the not so distant a future, global auctions could take place, enrolling the campaigning services of international celebrities. Coffers of the parent country they hail from would start getting filled up faster.

Spain, which ranked first among 141 countries in the World Economic Forum’s Travel and Tourism CompetitiveHillary_Clinton Index, has an immediate opportunity coming up by way of a general election planned on December 20, 2015. Imagine the delight of a tourist who, while visiting the Plaza Mayor, the Teide National Park and the Museo del Prado, gets invited to a witness an election rally on one of her quieter evenings!

USA plans to hold its next Presidential election on November 8, 2016. There is enough time for tourism agencies to whip up some special packages which, besides offering a trip to the Niagra Falls and the Grand Canyon, include a contributory dinner with, say, Hillary Clinton!

The possibilities are endless. The mind boggles. If Spain takes a lead, it is likely that the United Nations World Tourism Organization, headquartered in Madrid, would soon move to recognize Election Tourism as a responsible, sustainable and universally accessible activity.

(Related Posts:

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/10/10/politicos-in-plumsville-part-1

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/10/12/politicos-in-plumsville-part-2

https://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2015/10/15/invitation-to-a-swearing-in-ceremony-at-blandings-castle)

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